The Loneliest of Them All

I’m 35 years old. I have always been told by many I am good looking and handsome. Muscular, athletic, very successful, educated, and intelligent. I can figure out how to fix or solve some of the most difficult problems in the world, but I cannot figure out why my life has been such torture and torment. I have tried everything and gone through numerous changes, all in an attempt to fix the one issue I cannot bare. I have been alone my entire life. I have not been able to attract a single girl or get even a single date. Again, I am 35 and not ugly and not 500lbs. If I was then I could accept it as I would have a justifiable reason. And no, the bar is not set too high. Everyone starts with that. I remember my parents thinking I was gay, even though I don’t act gay in any way. Mom was so relieved when she found my porn stash…

I remember in high school how much it hurt for the guys to tease me for never getting a girlfriend. I remember the pain and anger that no girl in my hometown would give me the time of day. So angry I fought all the time and kicked pretty much every guy’s ass in my hometown. I was so angry and upset I joined the Army to run away and start over with new people and get what I wanted. I was very successful in the Army and fought in a lot of war. I went to bars and clubs with all the guys and watched them time and time again pick up girls. Every outing they would get girls, phone numbers, a new girlfriend, etc. Not me, not once.

By my late 20’s and a significant time of fighting in war I started to change. I couldn’t go to bars or clubs anymore. It hurt too much and I couldn’t bare to watch every other guy attract girls. My buddies always gave me a hard time and joked I should be gay and claimed I must be gay. I have nothing against gay people at all. I have had friends that were gay and quite a few lesbian friends. I used to enjoy going to gay bars and having a blast. I’m just not gay.

Now 35 and a little out of shape compared to my 20’s. I have a great career, a Masters in Engineering, quite a few great accomplishments throughout my life. Still nothing. Flirting in person, dating apps, trying to get set up through friends. I am just the most undesirable guy in the world. Every girl seems so confused, but when I ask them why they don’t want me it gets awkward, but it’s true. Whatever the reason that they have no attraction to me must be applying to all women. Yet they can’t or won’t tell me what is so bad about me or turns them off from me. Been trying to workout to get back into really good shape to increase my chances, but I don’t see a point to it. Never helped me my entire life before so why would it now? I don’t think anyone knows how much pain and suffering this has caused me. It only builds and worsens with time. I almost feel crippled at this point. I hate everyone in the world for the world treating me and kicking me to the curb like this. Not one girl, really? This is within reason. Hate when people go oh well you should this girl. Not to be mean but I am not dating a 500lb whale. There is obvious reason why she is single folks. There is not a good reason why I always have been. There is a huge difference and causes a much different level of pain and torment. I am not picky by any means either. And still today people at work and newer friends think I’m secretly gay because it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t even know if I can ever recover from this pain. Even if I met a girl and fell in love I think I will always have a deep hatred for everyone in the world for the pain and suffering you caused me all these years. You have broken me. I want the world to end and for all life to cease permanently. I don’t want to live to 40 in this same state. I remember when I was 25 I told myself if I don’t find a girl by 35 I will off myself. I’m 35 now and I keep thinking about that and how nothing is going to change no matter if I change, move to a new state, get in shape, it just doesn’t matter. Not seeing a point to keep living and suffering more and more for many more years. I would post pics of me but there is not an option.