Turning point

I’m sorry but this might be a long one just to get the background over with. i’m not sure if anyone actually reads these, but i guess that doesn’t matter, i think its more of the point of venting and letting it out even if there isn’t an ear that hears. Sorry if this is so, so disorganized.   i wrote one earlier but my computer crashed and erased everything and now my thoughts are just scattered.  

I am currently 25 years old and in october of last year, i got hurt because of work activities. I cant go into further detail of it but it seemed so simple and just, i didnt realize repetitive motions in a way ur body doesnt necessarily likes, can fuck you up.  The morning that the injury decided it was enough and that it was over with, i went to the grocery store and before, i told my mom my ass hurt.  And the last thing she said to me while i was able to walk correctly was that Its because i sit on my ass everyday. (i worked at the time but it is what it is). I came back from the grocery store, with my pain in my lower back, increasing and increasing, until i was barely able to crawl into my house. I ended up staying on the floor for about 7 hours. I couldn’t move an inch without extreme pain. My leg couldnt move at all without bringing tears to my eyes.   I made jokes on the floor, like stupid videos n pictures of it, because i dont want people to worry about me, and i figured i could laugh it off. I could not. My parents and sister ended up lifting me off the floor, and i remember, thinking if someone came through the door at that moment, and killed me, id thank them, because i was in so much pain i couldnt fathom that it was possible before then. I couldnt check out like people can, i actually think i rationalized myself in not checking out? I remember thinking “oh i can end this right now” then going “wait, no i cant.” and then passed out for a second. I ended up getting carried out of my house to my moms car to go to the ER by firemen. 

I got to the ER, pain was so bad i passed out for seconds, and that happened a couple of times. But it took 3 hours for me to go in the ER, and the doctor was a major asshole and kept using my leg pain to teach me about how nerves work. Mind you, i am 25 years old, i was studying to be a bioengineering and i kept telling him that i knew how nerves work and the different nerves in the body so can he stop using my pain (he moved my leg back n forth, to show how the pain shooting down my back n down my leg was a nerve).  He then told me it was sciatica and sent me off.  The nurse was great and gave me painkillers. 

I couldnt walk, and i ended up in a wheelchair. I couldnt move an inch if i wanted to and i was stuck. So i went to a different doctor and they did xrays and my xrays turned out fine. They said i was okay, and i shouldnt be in this much pain.  They sent me off to physical therapy(PT). I was stuck in a wheelchair for about three weeks as i went through PT, and then a walker and then a cane (which i am in now) but the whole ass time they pm said the pain shouldnt be there, and with sciatica i should have been healed by now. This got everyone around me trying to say it isnt real. made me feel like i was faking this whole thing. 

Finally got an MRI after months and they found a 8mm protrusion in my disk. Which doesnt sound that much, its only 8mm. but when you think like, its 8mm directly into a nerve. This nerve that keeps sending pain down my leg constantly. That half of my right foot  and portions of my ankle n lower leg is completely numb like if you put ice on it for wayyyyyy too long.

The MRI end up showing a lot of things thats physical wrong with me. My disk was malformed, i have scoliosis in my lower back(looks like a 5 year old playing with playdough), one of my legs is one inch shorter than the other which is causing more pain on my back. But even with all of this, i keep getting told that the pain isnt that bad from my family n friends. 

When i tell people, why a 25 year old uses a cane, they say “oh well, i have sciatica too” and then look at me like im stupid. Like our situations arent the same and yes, maybe you do have sciatica, its a common thing, but obviously our two cases arent the same.  I keep getting told from family its just positivist thinking. That as if a fairy comes down if im thinking positively enough, it can just wipe away the pain. 

I cant lift things or bend over. I almost cried lifting a stupid poweraid bottle out of the car. And i have this constantly held over my head. My twin sister, is my ride (i cant drive like this) and she does the dishes when i used to do the dishes and clean the house, so shes picked up the slack on that front. But anytime anything happens she throws what shes done for me in my face.  She holds driving me to my doctor appointments over my head, and everything that i cant do and she does instead.  

I used to have a lot of friends. However, theyre all really active, like i used to be. I used to run 3 miles a day, do weights, go swim a couple of laps, and then go to work. I used to skateboard a lot, just cruising on my longboard and learning how to dance on it. I used to do a lot and thats what we did as a friend group. I slowly started losing all the friends because i couldnt go hiking, i was barely functioning or when i started improving, i still used a cane. Right now? i cant stand up longer than 30 mins without pain. I cant sit in a car without pain coming and becoming unbearable in an hour.  I have to sit in a chair thats not too soft or hard to be able to sit down longer than thirty. All of my past activities i did with friends, were tossed out the window.  I cant do what they want and i see my sister go meet with them, and i cant go because i cant physically do it. I pretty much lost all my friends that are in my city. 

I used to be MASSIVELY independent. I would rather bite my own tongue off than ask for help, sort of independent. I had everything in a neat bow. Had a job, went to school, had an apartment (with housemates), did my own finances, chores, shopping, ectra. Now, i had to move back in with my parents, I physically cant do any jobs im qualified for, had to stop going to school because i couldnt make it to class (this part was before corona),  I cant drive, i cant pick up my phone when i drop it without some fucked up acrobatics.  

I feel like theres no point. i cant focus long on tasks because the pain distracts me, and why this whole thing is a mess. I used to be so organized with essays, i loved writing research essays or lab reports, and those have to be neat and tidy. I cant even keep a coherent thought now.  I feel like even my brain is leaving me now. like the body gave out and now so is brain. I couldnt remember how to spell “duck” the other day. I sat there for ten minutes thinking of it. I was taking a program class,  and the word integer was used. I couldnt for the life of me remember what an integer was. Ive taken soo many engineering math classes, i got all the credit for my math, cant go any higher. and i forgot what that was. 

I guess a lot of things have gave out on my. The pain is constant, even if people say that im not in it. I feel it, it feels like a constant knife in the back and someones wiggling the knife. It causes pain to shoot down my leg and makes it difficult to walk. I feel it. But everyone is telling me i dont feel it. My spinal surgeon is the only one that believes me about the pain level, so i guess thats a positive.  They keep saying “postive thinking! think positive!” ” If you do your stretches itll go away!”  

im tired. im so tired of it all. Im tired of getting yelled at by my sister for unable to do the things i used to do for the house. Im tired of hearing that itll fix itself. Im tired of hearing unrealistic outcomes. Im tired of the pain. I havent had a pain free day since last october. A year is coming. Im tired of everything falling apart. Im tired of handing the legal crap. Im tired of getting stared at in public. Im tired of my siblings making fun of me for it. Im tired of people telling me that it could be worse. im tired of having to defend my actual physical pain. im just so tired.