what do i do next?

ive spent my whole life looking for love and acceptance that i willingly left my life in everyone hands because they knew best.  people say you’re blessed when you endured so much and live to tell about it. 28 and attempted suicide on and off for 12 yrs or more.  i’m married to a man who left me every time he got me pregnant. i was younger 18 and allowed him to make decisions for me because well i was in love or naïve of the idea of love. we have 3 kids that were taken from me 2 yrs ago by dfcs ( forewarning never wanted kids and still don’t). i called dfcs for help and well now they are destroying my life (the little i have left). im adopted so i have no actual family.  i know my birth family they aren’t someone i want to be affiliated with too much drugs and drinking. the day they took them i tried suicide for one last time. obviously i failed, but after that ive been nonstop trying to do all i can to get them back to the point now where im walking away from kids i birth loved and gave my all. i cant get better mentally on peoples terms. i cant connect with anyone emotionally an mentally i stopped caring about everything(including living).  ill never be the same mentally physically or emotionally.  stuck in a cross road of whether to try one more time or start over alone and find me. Mdd, ptsd, bipolar, etc. im destined to be alone. i have no dreams, ambitions, or anything, im empty all the way around it.