I’m struggling with the holidays being triggery for me. I got through Thanksgiving by myself and looking back at it, I can see that it was better to be just me and my cat than to be around family/drugs/alcohol/drama. I made the day as nice as I could for myself.
Right now things are just piling up on me financially – vet bill for my cat, check engine light turned on on my car today, not sure I’ll make it financially through the end of the month, and I have that awful heavy feeling when I wake up in the morning that I’d just rather not be alive any more than get up and deal with one more impossible day. But, then there’s my cat meowing at me and wanting to be pet and fed, and at least there’s that…a tiny bit of something good.
My psychiatrist says that I should think about going to the food pantry at the church in my neighborhood instead of going hungry at the end of every month, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do that yet. I haven’t been able to even tell my new therapist about not having enough food yet. The only reason my psychiatrist knows is because I only see her for med checkups every 2 months and I lost 15 lbs between appointments. All I can think about is the shame my mother and brother would feel toward me if they ever knew I needed to go to a food pantry. They would be so ashamed and embarrassed. They already are because I am sick and unable to work. That shame is hard to live with. I think I will start by telling my therapist at my appointment tomorrow. I like to run and running really helps me with my mental health and it’s been hard to run without enough food to eat. Maybe my new therapist can help me find a way to balance the fear and shame I’m feeling.
I just feel stressed and uncertain about everything right now.
2 Comments on “Uncertain”
Hi Lauren, the holidays can be hard time for a lot of people, but it sounds like their doing everything you can to protect yourself during these stressful times. It can be very scary to reach out for help, but there is nothing wrong with using the resources that you have around you, regardless of what other people think. I’m really glad that you have your cat and are engaged with mental health professionals. We are here 24/7 if you would like to chat or are available by phone at 866-728-7983.
Hi Lauren,
Aren’t pets great? I have a rat terrier dog and she’s the most lovable pet a guy could have. That positivity that your cat gives you is real and genuine. And so is your gift of being able to run (the release of endorphins and all that). All I can offer you as far as a reaction to your post is: who the heck cares whether you go to a food pantry or not? Who even has to know? How can your family be embarrassed and/or ashamed if they don’t even know? Your body is made out of food, as you know, so you’ve got to take care of yourself. Food pantries exist not to shame people but to reach out and restore them as they go through temporary circumstances. And I believe your circumstances are temporary–a breakthrough could come at any moment!
One more thing: with all the computerized gizmos in cars, don’t worry about the “check engine” light. Most auto parts places (like Auto Zone or Advanced Auto) will hook up a computer code-reader to your car (free of charge) to tell you exactly why the warning light is on. I’ll bet it’s just a sensor or some such thing that the car can do without for awhile.
Merry Christmas and please take care of yourself. There’s no shame in doing that.