Hello, this is the first time that I am putting my deepest thoughts and troubles out there for everyone to see. I am a very private person, who has been battling Depression and Anxiety for several years and have always written my thoughts down on paper for my eyes only so this is a little difficult for me to sit here and spill my guts out on this website. The battle that I face everyday has gotten out of hand and my daily journal is not helping at this point. There has been too much going on for me in the last 6 months that I can no longer control the depression and anxiety on my own. I am on meds for the anxiety and have been for 5 years, which helps, but at this time even the meds are not helping. I ran across this website on Facebook last year and just recently decided to join. I hope that this blog helps me transfer my emotional energy to this page instead of holding it inside.
A little about my struggles:
I am battling Depression and Anxiety and have been for years. Since we were hit with Hurricane Michael here in Florida on October 10th, my battle has increased to the point that I no longer can control. We have lost so much along with the community and the ball keeps rolling and getting bigger with daily struggles. I am a Florida native and have been through several Hurricanes in my life time, but nothing would prepare me for the aftermath of Michael. I rode out the 5 hour CAT 5 storm with my family. Never again! Since that day, things for me have never been the same. I am an empathy so you can not imagine what I go through everyday. Having a problem dealing with my own struggles, I started to feel everyone else’s energy. Some days I wonder if its me or am I feeling others around me? With all of the devastation around me along with everyone struggling my depression and anxiety have shifted into overdrive. I had just started a new job 4 weeks prior to the storm and was trying to get back on my feet financially when all of that came to a stop. Words can not explain what we went through days after the storm. Its too difficult to talk about. Fast forward 6 months later and I am still recovering mentally, emotionally and financially. I am still looking for a job, my car was totaled in the storm and insurance did not approve my claim and my landlord is getting ready to kick us out due to late payments on our rent. My car is still sitting at the auto repair place with the car company calling daily for payment so we have had to rent a car weekly which takes half of my husbands weekly income. Our landlord is not working with us and has advised us if we can not pay our rent on time they are going to evict us. My kids are dealing with emotional issues that I can not help with nor can we afford to pay for help for them. For the past 3 years I have been taking care of my parents. My father has Kidney Cancer and has lost both Kidneys, is on daily dialysis, has battled throat Cancer, and is currently battling Lung Cancer. I can no longer help them financially. AND so on and so on…… So you can see why I have reached out to this website for some sort of emotional help. I wake up everyday struggling to get out of bed. I only sleep for 1 to 2 hours a night. I am up worrying about everything with a mind that will not stop. I go from crying to screaming then hyperventilating to the point I feel as if I can no long breathe. I try to tell myself things will get better, it will work out, but that does not work anymore. I am lost in my own hell at this point. Right now my heart is racing out of control! I feel lost, alone and have emotionally checked out with no end in sight. I am tired of the daily struggles to the point I have no desire to even take a shower or even get out of bed or leave the safety of my house.