I have a website where I write about things and activities I enjoy. Although I am trying to open-up more in my Posts there, I find I’m just not comfortable getting too deep into what I’m feeling. Here at FKB I’m not uncomfortable. There’s a certain anonymity here that makes it easier to confide. That and the fact that no one here is judgemental.
So, let me start with something that happened this morning. The man I live with, Michael, told me his ex-partner had invited both of us over to her house for Thanksgiving. (They were separated 3 years before he and I reconnected, and she lives in town with his 2 children.) Anyway, I said that was very thoughtful of her. He agreed, but then went on to say that he really didn’t want to spend time with her, that she’s not a very nice person, that she looked down her nose at him the 20 years they were together…ad nauseum. I have heard this story more than once from him.
But what’s important is that the negativity he gives off affects me negatively. He is not a particularly happy person – which he has admitted to me. For the most part, I am a happy creature. Or I used to be.
I’ve let others color my world before – usually people I’ve worked with. My funks would only last a few days and then I’d be back to my normal upbeat self. But these last two years living with Michael…I feel have changed my personality for the worse. I’m angry way too much. I’m unhappy way too much.
That conversation this morning almost had me in tears. I won’t go into the details, but he verbally twists things I say so much that we really cannot have a normal exchange without me getting angry and him getting passive-aggressive. So I stopped myself and went on my morning Power Walk.
Taking advice from my previous FKB Posts, on my walk I set my intentions for the day and reminded myself that I should not have any expectations of him. But here’s what was most important – my AHA moment:
I have been giving people too much power over me. I am stronger than that. Starting today (and I will no doubt have to remind myself of this) I will stop allowing other people to color my moods. To make me feel depressed. Everyone has problems, but their problems are theirs. Which is not to say I don’t care about their pain. I can be empathetic AND be a happy person at the same time. I want to be a happy person again. That is up to me. I have control of my own happiness.
I will not give-in to negative thoughts or self-sabotage. I am not stuck. I am not without choices. I will remind myself of the positive. I AM strong-willed. I AM confident. I AM healthy. I AM smart. I have a wonderful cat who shares my life with me (wait, I already knew that ;> ). I will turn any “dark thought” (and we all have those) into something creative and not self-destruct.
Yeah, this is a “well duh” – but I never thoughtfully considered it before. With INTENT. That seems to be the key.