This morning my boyfriend and I began a conversation that started with how Tom Brady (Patriots’ Quarterback) has a personal trainer that’s been working with him (nutrition, yoga, etc) because he realized he couldn’t continue playing football on strength training alone.
I agreed. As we age flexibility becomes more and more important as an addition to a balanced cardio/strength training regimen. I then added (as an example) how Mötley Crüe is working with trainers and nutritionists to get them ready for a huge stadium tour this year. I cited Mick Mars’ ongoing health problems which are being addressed nutritionally and Vince Neil’s weigh issue which is being addressed with nutrition and physical training. Vince Neil has gained a lot of weight in the last year which I attributed to the death of his young daughter, Skylar, at the of four in August 1995. I don’t think he’s ever gotten over her death and the grief is killing him via self-destructive behaviors.
I commented further that I feel for him. For his pain. For his grief. (I recently lost a very dear and beloved pet last month and am still heart-broken. Dealing with much pain and grief.)
My boyfriend reacted very defensively saying he cares more about the “suffering” of his family and close friends than he does about Vince Neil. Wow. I’ve heard all this shit before and I don’t buy it. But instead of saying that I countered with:
“I can be compassionate about whatever my close friends may be experiencing and still have enough room in my heart to feel empathetic about something someone I don’t know is going through.”
But he wouldn’t give up the bone. He further stated that he cares more about his dogs and Ramses (my new kitty) than he does about people he hasn’t met, or non-profit organizations, or volunteering. Double wow. I not only give (a little) money to animal support groups, I also volunteer once a week at the local cat shelter. But then again, I have no family and only a couple very close friends.
My response: “I think it’s wonderful that you have so many friends to care about.” That pretty much ended this bullshit conversation.
I feel pity for him that he doesn’t see his heart is larger than he thinks it is. Furthermore, I am sorry that he finds it necessary to passive-aggressively attack me (he will adamantly deny he’s doing this). I am learning to sit quietyly and let him rant. I absolutely refuse to get into an argument or debate over this type of conversation anymore. It goes nowhere. I think his “righteous” anger is a blankie. It’s become so comfortable to wrap himself in that he doesn’t want to give it up.
I realize he’s obviously holding on to a lot of unresolved issues. He’s seeing a therapist that deals with giving you tools to help with your behavior. I think he needs to consider WHAT is at the core of his behavior. (What’s eating away at him. Kinda like Vince Neil’s grief eating away at him…Ironic huh?)
Some of you may have friends and family who have similar problems. How do you handle these situations?