Mike…is killing me…

TRIGGER WARNING- RAPE

I first met Mike after I took my first overdose just before I turned 13. My mom thought I needed spiritual guidance so she took me to church to see our youth minister (Mike). He was so nice to me! It wasn’t long before the first warning sign occurred.  I remember sitting the pew and he asked me “What color rose do you see on your mother’s grave?” (My mom was dying from Ovarian Cancer from age 7-16). I said Red as that’s the only rose I knew of. He immediately replied “Your going to start your period”.  Random thing to say, Right?! I felt weird but I didn’t head the warning. 

The first time anything happened was during one of our sessions in the spring we sat outside on the curb in the grass behind the church. He leaned over and kissed me.  I was wearing a string tank top at the time and he started to pull it down very slowly and felt my breast.  I don’t know why I didn’t pull away…it felt good.  That was the beginning of our relationship.  To this day the guilt of not saying no to him kills me.  If I said no right off the bat, would that have stopped what eventually happened? Would he have stopped then? 

The first time we had sex was actually inside the church, in a pew. Trust me, if you have ever sat in a pew there isn’t a lot of room, esp for sex but we somehow managed. I’m not going to lie, it felt so good! I was a virgin up to that point. I was only 13, who would I have had sex with before him? No one. I never have gotten over the fact that I didn’t say no and get away from him.  I honestly thought he loved me!! He told me he loved me and that’s what people do when they love each other.  I started to love him back and it felt like finally I was understood because he validated me wanting to kill myself.  At one point we even made a suicide pact where we both said we would kill ourselves that night.  I tried. Failed. But when I went to see him next for our “therapy session” I found out he never tried to. I was hurt. I didn’t understand. If he loved me, why did he leave me hanging? I was going to be in hell without him. I should have stopped things then too. I didn’t. 

When I was 15 I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t carry long before I miscarried. When I first told him I was pregnant he was happy. Suddenly he got angry and told me to abort the baby. That he would get in trouble if I didn’t.  I was going to go abort when I ended up miscarrying and never had to go in for the abortion. 

When I got into high school, I decided I didn’t want to have a relationship with him.  I finally realized I shouldn’t be having a relationship with a guy in his 40s. That it was inappropriate the whole time (and illegal).  I still loved him but didn’t want to have sex anymore.  I felt like I was strong enough to tell him no….he didn’t take it very well…

Mike got fired from the church because people started to suspect our relationship was more than just therapist and client. The assistant youth minster contacted my parents who contacted the police. When the police interviewed me I told them nothing was going on. They confiscated my home computer because Mike and I were emailing each other every day. Love letters, suicide conversations…everything! I don’t know what they found but they were unable to prosecute without my cooperation so they must have not gotten what they needed without my testimony. I still loved him, there was no way I was going to testify against him- He loves me!! How could I?

Mike started as our swim coach. That was the beginning of him stalking me.  The day I went to the locker room and it was empty and he followed me in there was the begging of the end of my life. This is when I got killed. 

When he came up to me he pushed me against a locker and started kissing me, feeling my breast through my swim suit, and kissing my neck. He held my heads above my head against the locker. I slightly pushed him away and told him “Wait…” He said, “What’s wrong now?”  I told him, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”  That’s when he showed a side of him I never knew existed.  The bench the girls sit on was right behind him.  He got angry and said “No one tells me no!” and he swung me around- pushed me over the bench, proceeded to put the swim suit off me.  I remember how he struggled to get the swim suit down and I tried to move away from his grip.  He slammed my face into the bench and finished taking my swim suit off. He raped me.  I remember just crying the whole time.  He did it anally which hurt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!  I had never had anal sex before so I was shocked by the pain.  I didn’t say no anymore during it…I just cried, not ugly cry, just tears slowly coming out of my eyes and then I checked out. I basically died inside.  I can literally feel him in me while I write this by the way.  This is the moment when he broke me. I died in this moment. I have never felt alive since. When he was done he said, “Bet you will never say no again!”.  I went back to practice and my Dad (my diving coach) asked “Where have you been? What took you so long.” I lied and said I was having “woman problems” and he left it alone at that. 

This happened many times over a year or so where he would follow me.  We even had sex in his office.  I was so scared of him now, I didn’t tell him no. I followed him to his office where he continued to rape me.  He raped me in the locker room, his office, his car after practice, the broom closet at the place we do our swim/dive practice…He knew I didn’t want to have sex with him and yet he still continued to hurt me.  I want you to know this is only a handful of times I’ve admitted out loud or in writing that I was raped.  Raped is such a hard word for me to use for some reason. I have no clue why. So I’m trying to use it in my writing more as its an accurate way to describe what happened to me. 

Mike was fired from coaching when my dad started to suspect something was up between us and he went to the higher ups.  It has never been confirmed that’s why he was fired but I think its safe to assume that’s why. The next time I saw him was when I was sitting in science class and I was looking at my science book.  When I looked up I saw Mike coming in the room.  I immediately had a reaction.  All the emotions, physical sensations of him in me, the feeling of his touch on my skin came rushing back. That’s when I was told he was going to be our substitute teacher until our normal one got back.  He literally told the class to do whatever they wanted- he didn’t care- and the class cheered. I did not. I distinctly remember a paper airplane flying right in front of me- just barely missing me.  He came up to me and told me to come with him.  The girl sitting next to me goes “oooooh, you in trouble!” My heart sank to my stomach! It had been a few months in between him getting fired and him getting hired as a substitute teacher, so I thought I was finally safe. I was not. He took me into the lab closet that’s shared by the two lab rooms.  There is a large lab table in there and a bunch of other crap like scopes, etc.  He said, “You know what to do! Don’t think your getting out of it.” At this point I just accepted defeat. It was going to happen no matter how badly I didn’t want it to.  I said, “Mike, please don’t. They will hear us. Please!”  He didn’t seem to care.  He pushed me up against the wall, face into the wall. He jerked my hair, just like he did the first time he raped me, and kissed the left side of my neck. He tugged my pony tail SO hard! Just like what he did on the bench that day, he raped me from the back-end. It hurt so bad. But this time I didn’t cry.  I died. I checked out. I couldn’t take it.  When it was over he said, “pull up your pants and get your shit together”.  I walked out of the room to see my peers just staring at me.  I felt so ashamed. I just wanted to die right then and there! 

By this time I had been hospitalized many times for trying to kill myself. What no one understood at the time is why I did.  I wanted away from him. I wanted it to STOP! When I was inpatient, I didn’t have to fear him raping me all the time. I had hoped that when I got out each time he had moved on. He never moved on until I was 18. I want to die so bad because of him- even today I do.  He killed me forever. No one seems to get that! I WANT TO DIE! I don’t want to leave William or David, I want to leave this pain I feel.  I am broken. 

Mike raped me many times over the years. It wasn’t until I went to the state hospital (OSH) that when I got out he had moved on to 2 girls in a neighboring town.  He knocked one of them up is all I really know.  She was only 16 so he got charged with a sex crime but a lesser one than what he deserved. Although the police tried to charge Mike for me several times I never would cooperate. It haunts me that I never got justice for what he did but I also know that getting that justice wouldn’t take away my pain. 

This is a long blog entry and I’m going to stop because it’s really starting to affect me. Having flashbacks and body memories and it’s making me just want to die- big time! So this is it for now.  There’s always more to tell, but for now I will leave it at that.

– Amy