Fighting off the sin of envy with all my might…

My older brother has it made.  He lives in his own custom-made brand-new house in sunny Phoenix, Arizona, and is comfortably retired after having spent 25 years as a suburban Chicago police officer.  He also has a girlfriend who is quite independently wealthy and easy on the eyes, to say the least!  I’m going to visit him the first week of February, but it’s going to be a difficult week.  I am going to need to have fun with him (and his countless friends) without envying his situation.

In contrast, I have never bought a house, new or otherwise.  My career is hanging by a thread, what with this temporary contract position I’m in slated to end in March.  If I can’t find permanent employment in my field by then, I have no idea what I’m going to do.  I’m 49 and I live with my mother because I have no place else to hang my hat.  The only “friends” I have are my Facebook friends, who really aren’t friends at all, but rather acquaintances at best.  I would have loved to marry and become a father, but that wasn’t in the cards for me.  I am angry at God about that because I have dreamed all my life of hearing an innocent little voice proclaim “Daddy’s home!!” upon my walking in the front door.  It was never meant to be.

I feel like nothing was “meant to be” for me.  A solid career?  No.  A wife?  Nope.  Any kids?  Nada.  A place of my own?  A sense of self-sufficiency?  A purpose for even living at all?  Nope, nope, and nope.

It wasn’t long ago that I installed the necessary software on my laptop to be able to surf the dark web.  I searched for a place where I could get my hands on some fentanyl, but all I could find were news articles about people who were busted and sentenced to prison for selling the stuff.

Something’s gotta change.  I need a breakthrough… a miracle.  I need a job offer that will get me out of this house and back to a state of self-sufficiency.  Then maybe, just maybe, I can find a reasonably attractive woman whom I connect with who will choose to desire me. If that’s not meant to be, then screw it.  I just want God to take me home to glory.