I guess this is easy enough. It’s my first entry. I now have 4 friends who can possibly benefit from my manic stages. Hopefully they can learn the lessons faster than I have been able to learn them. It’s taken me a long time and I still feel like the mania is in control from time to time. I’m on medication and I’ve quit taking medications. I have done things I am now proud of, but if I don’t let them out they are going to destroy me from the inside out. I am sure of this. If I had to guess, I would say that right now I am in a small phase of mania. I say that because I am typically reserved…careful not to be judged…always hiding what the truth is about me because I am afraid of rejection. Yet here I am writing a public blog airing out my dirty laundry to anyone who is willing to hear me out. This is typically outside of my comfort zone. Or is it. I also have ADHD and I do crave attention. I crave a lot more attention when I am manic so the fact that I now have 4 friends might be speaking to an upcoming mania. I’m not sure if anyone will read this or respond, but I’m an open book. I feel like getting it all off of my chest because I have held in the secrets for so long. There is one person who knows almost all of my deepest secrets. She is my wife. She is someone who I hold very dear to my heart, but someone who has been very hurt by my decisions while the mania was going on. Especially before I was diagnosed. She took a lot of crap from me as I would flip out for no reason. Every summer since we met the mania would amplify. The first couple of years that my wife and I were together it made for a great time. We were young and very sexual so I was satisfied. But then I became more manic. The episodes got deeper and darker and the infidelity began. I was shown attention from another woman and even though she wasn’t pretty, it was attention. It was something that I craved. I soaked it in to the point of infidelity. I would repeat this behavior time and time again. I wouldn’t feel good about it either. I would regret it each time because the wife I have is better than any of these manic sex episodes. But it was like I couldn’t help myself. I had to go out and fulfill the desire to be told I am good enough because no matter how good I am, I will doubt myself. I have a lot to say. I have a lot to talk about. I have a lot of healing that needs to be done. I’m a talker. I’m a salesman. I enjoy listening, responding, and leading conversations. If anyone just wants to continue listening or wants someone to have a heart to heart talk with, that’s the kind of person I am. I am interested in healing myself, and helping others heal as well. Hopefully I can help someone, and someone can help me. If it takes talking to 500 people to get there, that’s what I am here for.
Alex in Illinois