I’m Being Disciplined

I sit here, at my mom’s house, feeling like my life is at a complete standstill…like everything I had ever built for myself has been taken away from me, never to be given back. I watch as other people’s lives actually progress and steps are taken…hurdles successfully completed, while I stay frozen at this point of permanent failure, always on the outside looking in. Sometimes the only thought that gives me comfort and calms me down is the fact that I could always end it all and take my life. I have failed in just about every way that a man could fail at life. No house, no wife, no kids, career hanging by a thread, and I’ve lost all my friends (they’ve become acquaintances by now). The only thing I’m good at is being a mama’s boy. When will I get the breakthrough that I need? It’s probably too late for anything that my heart desires. I’m too old and fat and ugly to attract a woman that I would be attracted to myself. I want to build myself back up in the gym and on the sidewalk, but I’m almost 50. What the hell good is it going to do? Maybe God has given up on me. Every time it has seemed that I was in a decent place, something happened, I screwed it up, and I got severely punished for it. So here I am, reaping what I’ve sown. I had my chances at happiness, but I was too much of a chicken-shit to cash in the chips.