Just here at this point

I never feel well! The worse I feel the more people think I’m just kidding when they ask how I am and I answer I don’t know anymore or if I’m ok and I straight tell them no I’m not ok I haven’t been and that is the sad truth yet it’s the main reason I’m in the unwanted situations I’ve been stuck in for more then a year. My hopelessness drowns me and inturn feeds my insecurities to the point my trust issues come out in ways I wish they hadn’t. .. I spend to much time in my head, I know nobody likes me regardless of what they say to my face I’ve seen what the message each other because I can’t help be nosy knowing that when i do it will just make me feel worse because it always has even the few times I thought it wouldn’t… 

My boyfriend doesn’t like me online to the girls he messages (one of whom my ex actually cheated on me with for a good amount of time ) I’m just some chick he moved in with that he regrets because his life went to shit. Another he flirts with about a post she put about her crush, always saying I know it’s not me that you crushing on..  I won’t get my hopes up that I’m your crush.. Think the messages that make me feel the worst are the ones when he tells them how his life is shitty he hates it here and his own girlfriend doesn’t even like him anymore. ..   I don’t say anything about them know matter how much it seriously hurts my insides because how do i explain the going through his messages all because of my own issues and how my past relationship’s have all turned out?..

 The truth is and I’ve told him many times even before I seen the messages.. I don’t hate him actually he is completely wrong  and at this point I’m starting to get scared about how dependant I am of him especially with seeing how he feels about me,  the worse I get the more dependant I get to someone who doesn’t even like me anymore. .. which then inturn adds more to me making myself feel worse then I do already. What a vicious cycle work no one to blame but me for creating it!

My family once so close doesn’t exist or rather (after lying to take my children away after I tried seeking mental and substance abuse treatment non-the-less) just I no longer exist to. It’s unbelievable having my kids taken because my sisters lie, and mainly just for the money they now get for having them,  and since I’m in no position for a lawyer then or now I the parent who always had everyone’s children before this happened do not get to see or talk to mine even worse they don’t get to see our talk to one another. . 

 I’m stuck in the past and can’t get through the hurt I’ve caused them or the pain inside from losing and missing them. ..   This this isn’t my life anymore Im  not sure what it is but my lif it’s definitely not. I guess, I’m just here now regardless of whether or not I like it or want to be here for that matter…  I find myself day in and day out aimlessly wandering  in this abyss