Something odd happened the other night

After closing the book I finished reading, a singular thought materialized:  “I don’t feel safe.” It was the oddest thing. I’m not sure if something in the book (The Funhouse by Koontz) triggered this or what, but usually when something hits out of nowhere it’s important to take note.

What’s even more relevant is when I mulled it over a minute or two, I realized that’s exactly how I feel. Have been feeling. Not safe.

That’s not to say that I feel a sense of impending doom, because I don’t. I’m not in any danger – physically or emotionally. Yet I don’t feel “safe”. How can I explain this in exact terms?

In my previous relationship I always felt safe. Like whatever happened everything would be OK. Perhaps this was due to the longevity of the relationship (20+ years) compared to the newness of the present one. My current partner always tells me he “has my back” and I know he believes this. But do I?

If I don’t feel safe, then perhaps I don’t believe it.

My life is neither great nor horrible. It’s neutral. I have nothing to really complain about, yet I cannot help feeling that this relationship will not be a forever one. That it’s a “layover”.

I know life is full of unknowns, yet this is the first time in my life I feel in limbo. Stagnant. Stuck. I believe the Universe has my back and now’s not the time to make any moves. If and when the time comes, options will be presented to me. Until then, it’s one day at a time.

Ultimately, I am the only one I can truly depend on. Strength must come from within no matter my circumstances or environment. I must create my own safety net within myself.