thoughts

Lately things feel more pointless than usual. I’m such a waste those around me. I can feel the intenseness of all the people who haven’t even met me but still hate me. Thousands, tens of thousands or maybe even more people hate me or believe that I’m a nuisance even without knowing me personally. I don’t think they’re right but maybe I’m wrong. And if so, wouldn’t it be better for me to not exist and bother them anymore? For me to stop wasting human resources like food and electricity when other people who matter could be using them?

But I feel like the option of suicide has been taken away from me now. Now that I have a partner I’d be hurting a person I care about like that too. So there’s nothing I can do. I’m useless to society and have never done anything productive. I’ve just been a bill on people. First my family, then my grandparents, now that I had disability it’s everyone I guess. But I feel unable to seriously consider it anymore because of this one person. I’m just stuck now.

If I live I hurt thousands of people but if I die then I hurt one person I really care about. There’s nothing I can do and because of me lacking worth that means everyone is worse off for it. Nice people will lie to me sometimes about worth, saying I’ve accomplished things. That’s blatantly wrong. I haven’t. I’ve just taken up space and done nothing with it but use up resources and become a person who thousands of strangers would say I’m wrong for existing.