I’m currently working as a contractor for a company that is about to get taken over by another company, which means that my contract will be ending prematurely (probably 10/31). That means that in about 6 weeks I’ll be unemployed, living with my mom, never married, never having become a father, not self-sustaining… all at age 50! All it takes is an advertisement on TV for a household cleaner to make me depressed enough to genuinely want to die. Why? Because the commercial portrays a married couple using the cleaning product to wipe their children’s markings off the walls (or whatever).
Everyone wants to know what their place in this world is. Everyone wants to know where they fit in. Everyone wants to set goals, achieve them, have friends, have passions, do what they’re best at, and enjoy various sources of fulfillment. I don’t have any of that. I don’t wish to do anything to hurt myself, but I don’t want to live like this anymore, either.
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5 Comments on “Could my life be any more pathetic?”
@mattyblast, It takes a lot of courage to share your deepest emotions with us. For this, I commend you. I can definitely understand why commercials and other reminders would be triggering for you, especially during this difficult time right before the end of your contract. I am happy to hear that you wish to remain safe, but I am also so sorry to hear that you are struggling to this extent right now.
Might I mention, your contract ending due to another company taking over your company sounds like it was completely out of your control. While I know this adds to the struggles you have been already facing in life, it sounds that this was not something you could have changed, or something you could have caused. Is there any option to sign on with the other company taking over here?
Also, can I ask, what do you feel like you need to move forward while feeling fulfilled and empowered, Matty? If you reach out to us via the hotline (866-728-7983) or through chat, maybe we could further discuss this to help you feel confident in a long-term plan for happiness moving forward. I wish this for you immensely. We are here to discuss further and to support you through this to the best of our abilities, if you reach out!
Best Wishes and warmest regards,
~FKB Staff Anita
That’s a great question, Anita, and I’ve been mulling it over quite a bit. What do I feel like I need to move forward while feeling fulfilled and empowered? I need three things:
1. I need to be self-sustaining and not dependent on (my mom or) anybody else to be able to give myself a place to live, feed myself, and take care of the bills.
2. I need a job in my field where my skills are put to their best use, and I don’t suffer from panic attacks every time I pull into the parking lot or open my email for the first time every morning. And this job needs to be permanent.
3. I need a companion. I am an introvert, so I have terrible trouble making friends, much less romantic partners. Even with #1 and #2 taken care of, I simply can’t go it alone. I want someone to love.
So be it.
@mattyblast, there you go! I truly believe that you just took the first step, rather it feels like it or not! You took the time to process and to self-reflect and were able to come to your own conclusions toward the areas in your life effort is needed the most right now. That is an accomplishment within itself, Matty! How do you feel about having identified these necessary parts of your life? Does it motivate you to take steps toward these goals, or do you need some extra support in this?
I am hopeful in the three “needs” you identified, and truly believe that with your intelligence and the right amount of support, you can accomplish all of these things Matty! I also understand that it is much easier said than done. If you are needing help in taking next steps, please remember that we are here 24/7 to further discuss and to assist you in planning for the future. Thank you for putting your trust in us and by sharing your emotions, it is so hard to be vulnerable but so worth it sometimes!
All the best,
~FKB Staff Anita 🙂
Anita, that’s very sweet of you to say that I’ve successfully mapped out what I need, but believe me: it is MUCH easier said than done. In my efforts to be employed in my field, I get rejected by companies and ghosted by recruiters. And that means staying at home with my mom at age 50, which I maintain is absolutely pathetic (and so do the ladies).
I am putting forth the effort, but it’s going to take some divine intervention from the Man upstairs to help me reboot my career at this age. And this step needs to occur before anything else can. Career = independence = a girlfriend = what I want my life to be. It just seems so damn impossible at this point.
Thanks for reading.
@mattyblast, I can completely agree with you, it is much easier said than done, that is for sure. But the thing is, you are still trying as you mentioned, which is what truly matters. You are clearly putting in the effort toward a better life for yourself, and that is commendable alone. You are not accepting the way things are, which I think takes more courage than anything. There is so much power in that, I want you to remember. It sounds like you are very aware of what needs to happen first in order to achieve your goals. How has this been going for you lately?
~Anita